Evidence of Grace amidst the journey of grief……
I happened upon a blog today. (HT to Bit of Smoke) In my daily meandering of the blogosphere, I happen upon quite a lot of blogs. This particular blog, however, caused my heart to skip a beat and tears to come to my eyes.
“I am a 36 year old mother of three children. I am also a widow. My husband died in an accident in June 2005. I never expected to do life this way, with this identity, with this element of struggle.”
“For the first three and a half decades of my life I think I had this “connect the dots” theology about my life and God’s plan for my life. In other words, I thought God had this grand “connect the dots” plan for my life and all I had to do was make sure I understood where the next dot was.
Fast forward to today….after 15 months worth of thinking, analyzing, searching….I no longer believe in a “connect the dots” theology. I look at Scriptures and find very few passages that talk about a specific plan for each of us…a connect the dot picture….the majority of references that talk about a “plan” are pointing out the uselessness of man and his plans.”
“Going from “we” to “me”…”
“That conversation also draws me back to my questions about “God’s plan”….I just don’t know what I really believe or what is really true….it isn’t something that paralyzes my faith or causes me to doubt God….rather, it reinforces the notion that God is God and I am not….I will never completely understand His ways…but I have experienced His love, comfort and peace….I guess that’s enough for now….”
“Every once in a while I have an opportunity to see “meaning” develop from the “madness” of my life. I have this need (and I am not sure if it is always a good thing) for the tragedy that I have experienced to have some “meaning”…to be able to see God use it to achieve His purposes.”
“In the past 2-3 days the following has been said to me by different people:
**I hear you are being spontaneous…and playing practical jokes again….it is good to hear that.
**I hope and pray your heart is healing. (and I believe it is)
**I don’t know when I have seen your kids laugh so much as when blah, blah, blah happened the other day…
Random comments….from random people….I think we are going to make it.”
“I miss being married….I miss Brian….I wish he were here to see the kids growing and developing….and to help me with all the “stuff” that goes with being a parent.”
“I think I have made my faith far too complex…I haven’t lost my faith…I just am not sure how to use my faith anymore…..without questioning myself too much….without wondering if I will be wrong again……”
“I was talking to someone today at church and she mentioned how rampant the view of “we get what we deserve” from God is in her sphere of influence. It, of course, made me wonder what those type of people thought I had done to deserve to lose my husband at 35.”
“In many, many ways my faith has been strengthened over the last year and a half. Yet, in some ways, there are parts of my faith that seem more uncertain than ever before.”
“I know I can’t hold on to your memory at the expense of rebuilding our lives….and so I am trying to let go of what I need to let go of in order to reach forward for the life God is calling me to live…it isn’t easy and at times it even seems disloyal….to think of life being great without you in it….but…”
“I’m alone with my grief now. The crowds have gone home. No one is watching. I can let my emotional guard down and not worry if someone is going to notice.”
“I don’t understand God’s goodness….it comes unexpectedly….”
“It doesn’t mean that I like it….it doesn’t mean that I don’t still have questions in the back of mind….it just means that I have resigned myself to believe that I will never understand….
I think, for me, that is progress….and a little bit of healing…..and for that I am grateful.”
If you have had loss in your life, if you’ve wondered why God has allowed the loss, if you’ve experienced loss that transformed your faith, brew a cup of tea and read this woman’s honest, heart wrenching journey through grief. Thank you, Shelly, for sharing your journey.
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You are correct, Shelly’s blog is honest and heart wrenching. But I’ve watched her cope so much in the last few months, reaching beyond herself to find growth and wisdom. Keep her and her family in your prayers.
I’m also glad I found your blog.
B~
Bruce,
I was blown away by her blog! I’m glad I found your blog as well —
J
Shelly is a dear friend of mine and her blog truly does portray her heart. It is amazing to see how she is walking down this road and watching her grow along the way.
I too am glad I found your blog. I always appreciate reading new blogs that are open about people’s spiritual journies.
So, you know Shelly, personally, and not just blogally? (like my word?)
I think that when tragedy strikes, it makes us reconsider all of our beliefs and suppositions about God. At least, during my recent grieving, it has. I haven’t lost a husband, I can’t imagine….But my daughter has been diagnosed with a disease that has just really thrown us and there has been a lot of grieving in our household. I found so much of what Shelly said resonated with me as I have walked this journey with my daughter.
I can’t wait to read more of your blog as well…I’ve gotten a chance to peruse some of it and I’ve really enjoyed it!
Jamie
Jamie,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. After I read what you wrote I went back and re-read my entire blog. It was neat for me because even I could see growth and change in my grief journey.
I an honored that you would read it and comment on it…and find it meaningful…
Blessings to you…I plan to peruse your blog as well….at first glance I can already tell that your blog is going to be another favorite of mine to visit…
Thanks,
Shelly
Shelly,
Thank you for stopping by. I mean every word I say. Your blog just blew my mind. You put words to so many things that I have experienced.
I’m glad, too, that you were able to look back and see your journey. I don’t know you, but I can see that it has been a powerful one.
Blessing to you and your kids…
Jamie