If God is interested in “putting things back to rights”…what does that mean for me?
I’m being challenged.
By God.
I think He’s saying…”Ok, Miss smarty pants….(at least that’s how I hear Him)…so, you’ve finally discovered that I’m about renewal, restoration and reconciliation. So, what are you going to do with that?”.
It’s easy for me to think about the poor…to go to Africa…to work with kids without parents…. and those things are part of what God has called the church to do. That’s the kind of stuff that excites me, the issues I feel passionate about.
What I don’t feel passionate about is going back to the churches where I have been hurt. Going back to the places and people that have wronged me “in the name of Jesus”. What I want to do is walk away from those people and places, shrug and say, “They just don’t get it.” However, for the last few weeks, through a variety of different situations, I’m afraid that God may be saying “Hey, dummy, renewal, restoration and reconciliation is for those people too.” In response, I say to God “Let someone else restore, renew and reconcile those people. They hurt me. That’s too close to home. I don’t wanna. Come on God, (in my best whining voice), let somebody else do that. They have hurt my feelings. A LOT. I want to feed the poor, volunteer at a homeless shelter, go to Africa again.” And if I said what was really in my heart, I would add, “I want to do things for the Kingdom, that I’m not as emotionally involved with.”
But perhaps, just perhaps, God is telling me to start where it hurts most. Start with the thing that I least want to do. Start in the place that I feel most vulnerable. Start in the places that I would rather walk away from.
To be honest, I’d rather not. I’d REALLY rather not. Tonight, however, I’m thinking that it is exactly what God may be calling us to.
Most Merciful God,
I confess that I have sinned against you,
in thought, word and in deed.
By what I have done and what I have left undone.
I have not loved You with my whole heart.
I have not loved my neighbor as myself.
I am truly sorry and I humbly repent,
for the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on me and forgive me;
that I may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name.
Amen.
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Jamie …. I’ve read this post about 3 times now and reviewed in my head several more. The thing I can’t get past is this … reconciliation is definitely a two way street. What if the people you need to reconcile with have no interest in it? Or what if they ask things of you that you cannot give? Things that require you to be dishonest about yourself (for example) … I’m asking about myself here because I think it will not be long before I will be in a similar place. And I’m just wondering …
Sonja,
I don’t think I have any of the answers you seek, as they are the same questions I have. I know, because of what you have recently gone through, that this must be a particularly painful and heart wrenching topic. Yes, I know the whole “what if the other isn’t willing/able to reconcile”. I know this very well. And I don’t have an answer. I just feel like, at this point, perhaps, God has me in a place that, at least with some, I am to love fully, without regards to their ability/willingness to have true reconciliation.
Trust me, I am no door mat. I don’t just let people hurt me and take it. I tend to just walk away when I’m hurt. Not a great quality, but it’s my tendency, nonetheless. My husband left a church staff position just a little less than 2 years ago. It was incredibly painful. We are actually now talking about going back to be part of that body as congregants. I don’t know for sure if that’s what will happen, but I think, at least for me, God is telling me that it is important that I would be willing to do that. To put aside my hurt, my anger, my pride and be part.
Allow me to say, however, that this is 2 years ago that we left that body, and we have had some time to heal. The wound doesn’t feel as fresh, the pain is less painful from a distance.
I’m not at this place with ALL the hurts that I have experienced from believers, (as evidenced by me email about “words”) but I do think that God is asking me, right now, for this situation….”What are you going to do about restoration?”
I hope this doesn’t sound too wishy-washy.
It’s not wishy-washy at all, Jamie … just the opposite. You sound very brave and courageous.
I think I’m praying for a vision … of what love in the face of rejection looks like. Then I’m going to need a lot of courage to face it. And much healing before I can go there. As you know, I’m still far, far too raw to do more than look in that direction.
But I appreciate your candor and wisdom more than you know. Love to you …
Sonja,
Thanks. I don’t feel brave and courageous. I feel like God is dragging me by one arm, like we sometimes have to do with our kids. Their coming with us, but quite reticently.
My experience has led me to think that God gives us time to heal before asking us to do the brave and courageous thing.