More Than Stone

I have been reading a book called Mudhouse Sabbath. Written by Lauren F. Winner, a Jew that converted to Christianity, it is full of little bits of treasure. In the forward, Ms. Winner states

Still I miss Jewish ways. I miss the rhythms and routines that drew the sacred down into the every day. I miss Sabbaths, on which I actually rested. I’ve even found that I miss the drudgery of keeping kosher. I miss the work these practices affected between me and God. This is a book about those things I miss. It is about Sabbaths and weddings and burials and prayers. Rituals Jews and Christians both observe, but rituals we observe quite differently. It is, to be blunt, about spiritual practices that Jews do better.

Though I have not finished the book yet, I am already taken with it. I would like to highlight the chapter on mourning. Perhaps it is because we have friends that are currently mourning the loss of a husband and father. Perhaps it is because grief has been a little too close for comfort to me over the past year. Either way, I found this chapter had quite a bit of wisdom that I’d like to share.

Ms. Winner states that one thing churches do “less well” is grieve. She states that the church lacks a ritual or language that is sorrow and loss. She says that a friend, who had lost her husband, put it this way:

For about 2 weeks, the church was really the church. Everyone came to the house, baked casseroles, carried Kleenex. But then, the two weeks ended, and so did the consolation calls. While you, the mourner, are still balling your eyes out and slamming fists into the walls, everyone else forgets, understandably, and goes back to their normal lives. And you find, after all those crowds of people, that you are left alone. You are without the church. And without a church vocabulary for what happens to the living after the dead are dead. Mourning is never easy, but it is better done inside a communal grammar of bereavement. Christianity has a hopeful and true vocabulary for death and resurrection. It is Judaism that offers the grammar for in-between. For the mourning after death and before Easter.

The Jewish community expects the mourner to mourn. In fact, mourning, in Judaism is a discipline, whereas oftentimes in Christianity, we expect the mourner to paper over their grief. The Jews mark the days, the weeks, the months and then the years after death.

These are the days between death and burial. During this time, the mourners are exempt from the laws of Judaism. A certain Rabbi says that mourners are exempt from the law during these days, because the law is for the living. During these first few days after death, mourners, border on death themselves. During this time, comforting, feeding and visiting is not necessarily required of the community, as the death is seen as “still happening”, so the business of comforting can not yet begin.

Shiva, a term many of us have heard, means 7. “Sitting Shiva” literally requires that the mourners sit in low chairs, as Job’s friends did. The lowness of the chairs is the physical representation of the depression and grief. Mirrors are covered, as the mourner is withdrawing from society and vanity and normal care for the physical body is ignored. A memorial candle, representing the soul, is lit and remains lit 24 hours per day for the next 7 days. This is to remind the mourner that the soul is eternal.

The very first meal after the burial is called Seudat Havara’ah or “The meal of recovery”. In addition to bread or bagels, it customary to serve peeled hard-boiled eggs, for they are round and symbolize the cycle of life. The bread is placed in the hands of the mourners by others. After eating the bread and an egg, one may eat other foods. Wine is allowed, in moderation.

During this 7 day period, the mourner does not leave the house, except for Shabbat. Prayer services are held every morning and evening in the mourner’s house, which include saying the Mourner’s Kaddish. On the last day of Shiva, those who have come to comfort the mourners say “Arise”. The comforters then say,

No more will your sun set, nor your moon be darkened, for God will be an eternal light for you, and your days of mourning shall end. (Isaiah 60:20)

Like a man whose mother consoles him, so shall I console you, and you shall be consoled in Jerusalem. (Isaiah 66:13)

The comforters then take the mourner out for a short walk around the block. The first step to re-entry into the world.

This is the 30 days following burial. During sheloshim, the mourner may return to their job, but they are to avoid large parties, celebrations, musical performances, or weddings (except those in the immediate family). This time is divided into 4 weeks, marked by Sabbath.

During the first Shabbat service, the mourner waits outside during the celebratory songs. As they enter, the congregations proclaims, “May God console you, among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem!”

On the second Shabbat, the mourner participates in the whole service, but do not sit in their usual seat, as if to represent that they remain communally unsettled.

On the third Shabbat, the mourner sits in their regular seat, but slip out as soon as service ends, avoiding chit-chat.

On the final Shabbat of sheloshim, the mourners finally participate in the whole of the service, re-entering the community.

Yizkor means “remembrance”. Yizkor are celebrated on major holidays. The afternoon before the holiday, a candle is relit, in remembrance, and kept burning for 24 hours. At the morning services, those who have never been mourners are asked to leave the service for a few moments, so that those who have sat Shiva may pray together.

Yartzeit marks the time of one year from the death. Every year, the mourner lights a candle and stands in synagogue to say the Mourner’s Kaddish. On this day, some may donate money in remembrance, others may study a book of Torah, or visit the graveside, or look at old photographs, or recite Psalms, or raise a glass of whiskey in honor of their dead.

Ms Winner sums up this chapter by saying,

This calendar of bereavement recognizes the slow way that mourning works. The llong time it takes a grave to cool, slower and longer than our zip-zoom internet and fast food society can accomodate. Long after your friends and acquaintances have stopped paying attention, after they have forgotten to ask how you are, and pray for you and hold your hand, you are still in a place of ebbing sadness. Mourning plateaus gradually and the diminishing of intensity is both recognized and nurtured by the different spaces that the Jewish mourning rituals create. The harrowing shock of aninut. The pain of shiva. The stepping into life and the world of sheloshim

Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.

May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us
and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

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