Messy Church
I’ve always considered myself a rational, linear thinking, non-emotive female. I often wonder how it is that other women can cry at the drop of a hat, at any little thing and in front of anyone. It’s actually always mystified me. I save my tears for behind closed doors and when my husband gets home. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have shed tears publicly. Until recently.
Now, at odd times and without warning, I find myself breaking down in tears. You see we recently had a falling out with good friends. People we raised our children with. The type of people that you think you will grow old and grey with. The friends we have journeyed through life with. The type of friends that you think will always “be on your side”. I’ve experienced hurt in my life. I had a terrible childhood. An alcoholic mother with several suicide attempts, group homes, strained relationship with my father, living with relatives because my parents were unable or unwilling to care for me. I know hurt. I know abandonment. But I’ve realized lately that friendship is different. We don’t choose our family. We are born into them, without any choice. If your family isn’t the best, you learn to survive as best you can. However, friends are a whole different phenomenon. You pick your friends. You make a conscious decision to open up to them, to trust them, to hand them the “whole of you” and know that they will use the utmost care. When that relationship falls apart; when that sacred trust is broken; it hurts.
I had another outburst of episodic crying today. We had someone over for lunch. They asked a simple question and the tears started rolling. It happened at least 4 times during lunch. AFTER I had told him that I tended to be less emotionally oriented than my husband. HA! He must think I’m a complete nut. He was very kind and understanding, regardless of how nutty he thinks I am. He said something very wise. He said, “We tend to think sin is something that goes in a neat little box. We have sanitized it. But this is the type of thing Jesus died for.” Very wise. Jesus died for the people that hurt us. He died for our hurt. He died because this world is a messy, ugly place where sacred trust is broken, relationships fall apart and friendships fail.
“Only that fellowship which faces such Disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight; begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it. The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community, the better for both.”
“Even when sin and misunderstanding burden the communal life, is not the sinning brother still a brother, with whom I, too, stand under the Word of Christ? Will not his sin be a constant occasion for me to give thanks that both of us may live in the forgiving love of God in Jesus Christ? Thus the very hour of disillusionment with my brother becomes incomparably salutary, because it so thoroughly teaches me that neither of us can ever live by our own words and deeds, but only by that one Word and Deed which really binds us together - the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ. When the morning mist of dreams vanish, the dawns the bright day of Christian fellowship.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that pain from best friends. I have too this year, and it’s awful. I think I went from shock to hurt to being mad, and in the midst of it forgiving, not forgiving, forgiving.
In the midst of it God has surrounded me with new friends like you that have been through similar things and understand what I’m going through. People can really be awful, which reminds me how blessed I am to have God in my life who is always good, even when I don’t understand why he’s allowing me to go through so much pain.
John,
Yes, I’m still in the midst of forgiveness/unforgiveness/just walk away and never look back. It depends what second you ask me. Yes, I have found great comfort, not in other’s hurts, but knowing that there are others that have experienced this kind of hurt and still find that being the Church is something that excites them!
Jamie
This is my deepest pain. I’ve lived long enough to face it several times, and these people are still part of my dreams - not my nightmares. I still dream good times of them and wake up in such a wonderful mood - until I realize that for now they are gone. I will always love them. I can’t stop.
This is my deepest pain. I’ve lived long enough to face it several times, and these people are still part of my dreams - not my nightmares. I still dream good times of them and wake up in such a wonderful mood - until I realize that for now they are gone. I will always love them. I can’t stop.
Good stuff Jamie and very real and vulnerable. I can testify that you are not the typical woman’s woman for sure but glad to see the tears flowing for you, not because I want you to go through pain–rather for the remedy and healing that often accompanies the tears. Don’t know what God is doing but I do know that he bottles up the tears and sees them. Am back from the Philippines now, just got in from Tokyo. See you and the Swankster soon I hope.
Don,
I’m so sorry to hear that you, too, have experienced this kind of hurt. It’s not anything that is easy to walk through. My prayers are that these relationships will one day be restored.
TA–
Let’s get something on the calendar for when we all get back to town.
J
Jamie … oh … my heart aches for you. I know that pain too well. I am so so very sorry. I wish we lived closer and could have a cup of coffee together.
Messy church! I really feel empathy. There are so many hurting people in the church.
Why is this so?
One reason I can offer is that the “church” is too concerned with their image in the world. Members are not being taught how to deal with conflict situations. Theology can never be a substitute for relationship with our Heavenly Fahter. No matter where or how the church meets, be it a cathedral, cinema, house or in a field, when the “members” leave have they moved closer to Jesus? Or, do they leave pondering how the book of Daniel ties in with Revelation.
Are we producing a bunch of intellectual bofs who can wax lyrical on prohecy and demons but lack depth of relationship with our Lord and one another?
Should our goal not be to grow up together in Him who is the Head of His Body, the church, the Bride. Without spot wrinkle or blemish.
The church does not offer reality to a lost, hurt and seeking world. All they see is hypocracy.
My hearts cry is for the real Christians to stand up and live Jesus in front of a watching and waiting world. If we can’t live together in harmony and love then why should the world want to join us?
With much love from a crushed grain of wheat waiting to be kneaded into the dough that will produce a loaf that can be broken for the world.
Jack Viljoen
The Church in the Father’s Heart
http://www.tcitfh.co.za
Jack-You are so right. That’s beautiful….a loaf that can be broken for the world. That idea ties into something Rob bell taught at the “isn’t she beautiful” conference that I went to. You can read about it on my post about the eucharist.
Jesus poured out His blood, broke His body, for the world…shouldn’t we be doing the same?